Your Kids Are Privileged... They Need To Know
For those who are not familiar with the idea of privilege, I found a pretty solid synopsis written by Josh Sager on his website The Progressive Cynic. He writes,
“The term “privilege” refers to systemic social biases that give certain segments of the population preferential treatment over others. This bias…can be based around any demographic distinction, including race, language, religion, class, gender, socioeconomic status, or sexual orientation.”
Now, let me start by saying that—although a serious matter—privilege is not a problem. Contrary to popular opinion, I see privilege as the fruit of a problem. You see, a tree was planted hundreds of years ago in the dark muck of oppression, pseudoscience, corrupt indoctrination, and nationalism. That tree is called prejudice, and its rooted in sin. And to topple this giant tree, we must stop targeting its fruit and deal with the tree itself by addressing its roots—the lost nature of mankind.
But that task—toppling the tree—is not for this post. While it is an incredibly important conversation to have, I wrote this blog with the hope of reshaping the way we look at one of the tree’s many fruit, i.e. privilege. And more specifically, I wrote this post to offer a resource to parents who want to have this conversation with their kids but don’t know how. To do so, I want to pose the idea that privilege is not something to be detested. Instead, it is a person’s lack of awareness of his or her privilege that is so hated by many.
Many people don’t like to think about themselves being privileged. It forces the consideration of the notion that some people—including themselves—might have gotten or achieved things based on their social standing and not their hard work. However, this perspective of privilege is very individualistic. Privilege doesn’t and won’t make sense unless you look past yourself. Colin Stokes gave a wonderful example in his TEDx Talks segment “White Lies We Tell Our Children.” Stokes says, “The fact that [confirming my daughter’s suspicions that Santa isn’t real] is the hardest parenting moment I’ve had this year tells you that…I have so much privilege it’s ridiculous.”
In this quote, Stokes is talking about himself, but the power of what he is saying lies in the implied comparison of himself to others who are less privileged (or less fortunate). You see, parents, addressing privilege is not meant to belittle those who have it. It should instead be a call to uplift those who do not, and the problem with society today is that more emphasis is put on the former.
As a result, “privilege” has acquired a terrible reputation—taking on a negative connotation for some people and becoming almost repulsive to others. I believe it’s due to the fact that when privilege is brought up in conversation, it is almost always highlighted as a problem. Phrases like “white privilege” or “male privilege” are presented as issues to be dealt with, and therefore, people focus their attentions on solutions aimed toward eradicating these said concerns. But what if we started viewing privilege as a positive? That might sound crazy, but what if we utilized privilege to leverage global impact?
I believe it’s possible!
Three Things ADULTS Need to Know About Exemption (a.k.a. Privilege)
To start, I want to first exchange the words “privilege” with “exemption” and “privileged” with “exempt.” The working definition has not changed, but with this new word choice, I hope to unlock deeper insight into our minds. Now, let’s get to our list.
1. We all have exemption—just in different categories of life. Some people are more exempt than others, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that we all have exemption. The following list of items is twenty-five indicators of exemption, which can be found on Josh Sager’s site that was mentioned above. There are dozens more indicators, but this list is a good starting place.
Go down the list, one by one, and for each word or phrase that you feel describes you, award yourself one point. At the end, your sum total of points is your score, meaning the best possible score is 25 points. Got it? Ready? Go!
Human
Native English speaker
Tall
Thin
No speech impediment
Christian
Male
White
Attractive
Cis (i.e. identify with the gender given to you at birth)
Heterosexual
Able-bodied
Standard accent
No criminal record
Mentally healthy
Support mainstream political party
Adult
Born in country of residence
Wealthy
Intelligent
Employed
First-world (i.e. live in an industrialized capitalist country)
Well-connected family
Not a red head
Educated
What did you score? 7? 18? A lower score indicates that you are a part of fewer exempt people groups, while a higher score indicates that you are a part of more exempt people groups.
2. Most exempt people are unaware of their exemption. It’s just the way it is. We’ll cover more of this in the next point, but just know that it is not natural nor is it comfortable to look at yourself and see how history has given you an advantage over others. Still, such self-reflection must be done for this conversation to truly be productive.
3. Being exempt does not make you undeserving. Every conversation I’ve had on exemption is plagued by the idea that those who are exempt are discredited from their achievement. Absolutely not! If there is one thing I want exempt people to understand it is that your exemption has nothing to do with your effort.
Imagine a world in which everyone drives semi-trucks, i.e. eighteen wheelers. In this world, every driver is paid an hourly wage and a mileage incentive, and every driver works hard. I’ll repeat that. Every driver works hard! Now, let’s talk exemption. The average driver pushes the limit, driving as many hours as he can every day. He drops off shipments and picks up the next, and in the event that his truck needs maintenance, he fixes it. He doesn’t complain, he gets the repair done, and he gets right back on his grind. For the average driver, truck driving is more than just a job. It’s a craft, passed down to him from his father and his father’s father.
Now, let’s look at who else is on the road. There’s one driver whose parents and grandparents never learned how to drive, and while, this new-age driver went to college to learn the skill of truck driving, he lacks experience and mentorship. Another driver is an immigrant, born in a foreign nation, and while he knows the skill of truck driving, he is required to make routine stops or else face being deported. Another driver is viewed as unskilled based solely on her outer appearance. So, even though she is able to deliver her cargo in expert times, she rarely gets hired to make shipments. Then, there’s one last driver whose family has beat all of the odds—learning to drive when it was illegal for them, starting a business, and passing on the legacy. However, this driver’s truck is in shambles. It’s the same truck that his great grandfather drove, and while it gets the job done, it only goes half as fast as newer trucks and breaks down twice as much. To all readers: please understand that the average truck driver is not to blame for any of the four other drivers’ circumstances. However, the average driver does have the luxury of being exempt from them.
Note that I’ve said nothing about the exempt truck driver that would belittle his effort or achievement. In my example, every driver is a hard worker, including the exempt driver. This fact is primarily what exempt groups want non-exempt groups to know. Their mouths say, “I’m not exempt!” but their souls are crying, “Don’t tell me my life’s work is void! Don’t tell me I don’t deserve what I’ve worked for!”
Well, I for one want to tell exempt people that I hear you. In some spheres of life, I am you, and so I know that your lives have value. Your work is not void, and your successes are not undeserved. Now, I ask that those who are exempt extend the same ear to people who are non-exempt. Our desire is not to strip exempt people of their wealth, history, or education. Our desire is for exempt people groups to acknowledge that they do not have the same struggles that we have. Yes, life is hard on everyone. But for some people, it is harder. And while we know that you struggle, too, when it comes to our struggles, you are exempt!
Take a moment to ponder this metaphor. Where do you fit in? Do you more readily identify with the first truck driver or one of the four? Maybe you came up with a fifth type of non-exempt driver. Let me know in the comment section! But do it quickly and come back. The next section will be for your kids!
Privilege: The Kid Version
Trying to teach children about privilege can be daunting. Things like race and politics and foreign accents don’t make sense to young kids, so how can we expect them to understand the advantages and disadvantages of belonging to certain racial, political, or dialectal groups? Short answer: we can’t! It would only produce confusion. However, what we can do is teach kindness.
As stated before, I believe we should not be pointing out privilege as a means of condemnation. I believe we should be pointing out privilege as a means of leverage. Let’s not teach our kids that people in third-world countries have less than us. Let’s teach our kids that because we have been blessed with more, we have the ability to help more people. You don’t even need to say “privilege” at all.
Imagine a world where everyone thought like that! Man, what a world that would be. No, this idea isn’t socialism or communism. This idea is kindness. No one is forced to give. It just happens out of genuine compassion, and this idea inspired a story about a man named Mr. Mandella. (The name might or might not be a coincidence!) Give it a read, and then read it again with your kids. Allow them to see what true kindness looks like and what happens when people who have plenty give to those who have little or none. You can find the link at the bottom of this article!
The Bigger Picture
Now, in this story, it’s important to understand that Mr. Mandella—even though he is exempt—existed in the same situation as the rest of the town. His world is rainy just like everyone else’s, and he too has to worry about the rain. However, what he doesn’t have to worry about is getting wet (because he has so many umbrellas). What if Mr. Mandella falsely believed that he was experiencing the world in the same way as everyone else? What if he thought his circumstance was no different than anyone else’s? By no identifying and accepting his exemption from the struggle others were facing, he would have never shared his umbrellas and blessed all of those people.
This very dynamic is taking place right now in the United States. Whether rich or poor, every person in this nation has to worry about the coronavirus. However, privileged Americans are exempt from the worry of losing their jobs, their money, and in some cases, their lives. And the issue at hand is that many people—people who are wealthy, who are young, or who do not have pre-existing illnesses and conditions that make them more likely to die if infected—falsely believe that everyone is experiencing this pandemic in the same way. So, those exempt individuals keep their resources to themselves.
Now, those people have every right to do so. It’s their resources! But the reality is that life has handed us all different cards. What if, instead of playing life as a free-for-all game, we played it as a team? I believe that this is how humanity is meant to be—an 8-billion-person team, all on one accord. But how? How do we all help each other?
In general, the assertion that has tainted the minds of society is “If you’re exempt, then you need to help people who aren’t.” But why would anyone respond to this call to action? I certainly wouldn’t. It’s laced in self-deprecation and pity, and it draws on guilt as a means of motivation. You can keep that! Don’t guilt trip me. Enlighten me. Then, when I’m on the other side, don’t pity me. Empower me! Politicians have access to resources teachers don’t have. And vice versa. Farmers have access to resources doctors don’t have. And vice versa. Let’s build a super team—a super team of kindness.
It’s time we change the conversation about exemption, and it’s time we begin showing our children how to show kindness when they have more. For adults, privilege is an opportunity to leverage your position to help others. For kids, privilege is the opportunity to share. So, first, we must take the time to help our kids assess in what areas they are plentiful and in what areas they lack. Practice with something like crackers or icecream. Parents, don’t just share your food with your kids. Have a conversation about why you’re sharing with them! Tell them you love them when you share. And then every now and then, ask them for some of their food.
Second, we must get our kids to ask the question, “How can I help someone who doesn’t have what I have?” This is not an easy task. Humans and children can be selfish by nature—especially if that’s what’s been modeled for them. Still, it is possible. Once you’ve shared your food with them, intentionally eat all of yours first and then ask if they’ll share some of theirs with you. You’ll be surprised at your kids’ responses!
Then third, repeat. Keep the kindness going. Pass it on. Mr. Mandella didn’t stop when he gave his first umbrella. He kept giving and kept giving. Let’s raise our kids with the hearts of Mr. Mandella.
I hope you have enjoyed this blog, and I hope you and your children enjoyed the story. Leave a comment or a question. I’d love to hear from you and/or your children, and I would really love to post a pictures of kids’ illustrations to my website. Have your kids draw a scene or two, and email me at justis@justisward.com. Oh, and don’t forget to subscribe. It’s a bigger help than you think!
