Are Kids Capable of Making Good Decisions?
“David, don’t do it! Let me handle it!” I yelled as I ran across the playground.
It was a day or two after Valentine’s Day, and a new student had transferred into our school. He was a third grader, and while he didn’t get placed in my class, he did
“David, don’t do it! Let me handle it!” I yelled as I ran across the playground.
It was a day or two after Valentine’s Day, and a new student had transferred into our school. He was a third grader, and while he didn’t get placed in my class, he did find his way to one of my students at recess and began antagonizing him.
The problem was that the student he was antagonizing was David, and any student who had been at MLK Elementary for longer than a day knew that David was not a kid you wanted to antagonize.
“David. Look at me. It’s good, now. I’m here,” I said as I jogged onto the scene. David’s fists were balled up tightly, and his arms were locked straight—the way they always got when he was going to hit someone. “What’s wrong?” I asked. I honestly didn’t know. I’m just an expert at reading my students’ body language.
“He talk about my momma again, I’m gone punch him in the face,” David said, his eyes were locked onto his target—the new kid.
“David.” He didn’t respond. “David.” I said a little louder. He kept his eyes locked on the new kid.
“What the heck?” I thought to myself as I looked over at the new kid. This kid hadn’t spent more than three hours in this school, and he’s already gotten David this hot? Crazy! “Did you talk about his mom?” I asked the kid, whose name I found out to be Michael.
Michael didn’t respond. He just looked at me with a face that expressed complete indifference. His eyes said, “Yeah, and what you gonna do about?” I could understand David’s rage now.
“Okay,” I said calmly, “David, I believe that he talked about your momma. However, I don’t think it would be a good decision to punch him in the face.”
“If he keep talking about my momma, I am!” David responded, his body becoming more tense as he said it, his eyes still locked on to Michael.
“Yep, I believe you. 100 percent. But now, I’m here. And I can handle this situation better than you. You can punch him, but that’s going to get you in trouble, too. Every decision has consequences. Come on, David. Go play with your friends. Let me deal with him.”
I could tell that the thought of not dealing with the new kid himself made David’s pulse race even more than it already was, but after about eight seconds, David finally looked at me—the sign that I had broken through—and he walked away, mumbling under his breath.
Let me tell you right now. This moment was MASSIVE for me, not just because I had stopped a potential fight, but because David walked away from one. Please understand that David NEVER backed down from a fight, and on this February afternoon, David did. And as a teacher, I felt great.
But how did I get to this point? How did I get David to back down? Well, it wasn’t easy. That’s for sure, but if you allow me the time, I’ll tell you exactly how I did it, and exactly how you can do the same with your kids. It all starts with knowing these four truths.
Truth 1: One decision always leads to another.
I once had a lab partner in college who always seemed to be running late to our morning class. At least twice a week, he would awkwardly rush in—with sleep in his eyes—and sit in his desk just before our professor would start her lecture.
One day, I asked him, “Where are you coming from that always has you rushing into class late?”
“Nowhere,” he said with an embarrassed smile. “I just need to move my alarm clock away from my bed. I keep hitting the snooze button in my sleep.”
“Ahh, I see,” I replied. “What time do you normally go to bed?”
“Two or three in the morning,” he said casually.
I was utterly amazed—both by his sleep schedule and his ignorance. He viewed his tardiness as the result of a single moment—hitting the snooze button on his alarm clock. He truly thought moving his alarm clock would help him wake up on time, but moving his alarm clock wasn’t going to get him in bed at a reasonable hour. The truth is that decisions are not isolated events, not just moments. One decision always leads to another, creating a pathway of decisions.
My classmate was going to bed extremely late. So, he wasn’t getting sufficient sleep, and because he wasn’t getting sufficient sleep, his body wasn’t well-rested. Then, as a result of his body not being well-rested, he was subconsciously hitting snooze on his alarm, and because he was hitting snooze, he was waking up late. What I’ve just laid out for you is his decision pathway, and truth be told, it probably didn’t stop there. Every decision that he made led to another and another, until eventually he was rushing into class, sleep-deprived, out-of-breath, and late. Didn’t he see the real problem? Didn’t he see the pathway? How could he have missed it?
The reality is that he didn’t see it and that most people don’t see it. In fact, most people, in today’s culture, only think of decisions as singular, isolated moments in their lives. They make decisions never considering the next steps of that decision. But for those who are willing to expand their minds, the truth is that one decision leads to another decision, and then that decision leads to a third. And so on and so forth.
Truth 2: Whatever you feed will grow.
My mom had a gently pointed way of parenting. Every rebuke was wrapped in respect, and every critique accompanied by a hug. She knew the children she was raising and what morals she had instilled in us. So, most of the time, she wouldn’t tell us how to live. She would simply leave us to our own consciousness, our own convictions. She trusted that—nine times out of ten—our choices would turn out for the best. Still, while her flexible parenting allowed us a little more autonomy in making decisions, once the decision was made, my mom never—and I do mean never—withheld her opinion.
Her most polite reproach was more of a caution than a judgment. It quickly but effectively captured a world of possibilities. It spoke to our present-day foolishness and to our future discomforts. It was a gracious warning, maybe even a parable, yet it was only six words: “That which you feed shall grow.”
When my sister would sleep in until lunchtime during her summer breaks, my mom would open her blinds and say, “That which you feed shall grow.” When my brother would blast rap music in his car or in his room, my mom would yell over the music, “That which you feed shall grow!” And when I sat for hours in front of my laptop, writing stories and watching shows, my mom would come into my room and say, “That which you feed shall grow.”
You might be thinking, “Why was she saying that? None of those things are that bad.” And to that thought, I would say, “You’re right! They weren’t that bad.” However, what my mom understood well—and what my mom repeatedly emphasized to us—was that although none of our decisions were bad in of themselves, each was capable of growing into something potentially dangerous.
For example, imagine that you walk into your house to find a tiger cub—cute face, soft fur—sleeping on your couch. What would you do? Some people would call a wildlife organization or 911. Those people would be wise. Some people would sit next to it, pet it, Instagram it, etc. Those people would be brave. And then, some people would go to their kitchen and pour it some milk. Those people would be foolish. Why? Because—in the words of my mother—that which you feed shall grow! Or in other words, whatever you feed will grow.
Today, you see a tiger cub. However, if you continue to feed and nurture that tiger cub, over time, it will grow into an adult tiger—which could have fatal consequences. Likewise, although some decisions look harmless today, in time, harmless decisions can grow into dangerous habits.
My mom understood this principle and applied it to everything—including staying in bed, listening to rap, and being on the computer.
Today, it’s staying in bed until lunchtime. Tomorrow, it’s staying in bed all day.
Today, it’s enjoying explicit music. Tomorrow, it’s enjoying an explicit lifestyle.
Today, it’s spending a lot of time on the computer. Tomorrow, it’s spending too much time on the computer.
Our time and energy are like seeds. We know that if we plant seeds and tend to them, they will root, they will sprout, and they will grow. In the same way, when we put our time and energy into activities, it can only be expected that the amount of time and energy we spend doing those activities will grow as well.
Truth 3: Patience is the epicenter of good decision making.
Various internet sources say that we make thousands of decisions every day. Some sources even report that we make tens of thousands of decisions every day. Not buying it? Well, what about that itch you had a few moments ago? Did you scratch it? That was a decision. How many times have you repositioned your body while reading this post? Decisions. How many times have you scrolled down so you can keep reading? Decisions! Yes, tiny decisions count, and we’ve already reached at least ten in less than eight minutes of time. Do the math, and you’ll find that we make a massive amount of decisions in a twenty-four-hour day—tens of thousands to be exact.
But wait. If we know that every decision leads to another and that those decisions are food to something, why do so many of us believe that after potentially thousands of bad decisions, one good decision will just poof our lives into what we want them to be?
It’s imperative that we begin talking about better decision making with a realistic mindset. Too often, we wrongfully make willpower the centerpiece of making good decisions. We’ll pray prayers like, “God, give me the strength to say no” or say statements like, “If I can just say no this one time, then I’ll be good.” Please, don’t hear me wrong. I’m not saying to not pray for strength. I’m not saying to not push yourself, but I am saying that strength and willpower—by themselves—won’t be enough. Willpower will help you make a good decision, but willpower won’t keep you on that pathway. In addition to willpower, we should be hoping and praying for patience, for endurance. It took years of computer time for me to develop my distractedness. Therefore, it could very well take years to redevelop my focus.
Truth 1 and 2 uphold that our pathway of repeated decision-making is the food that nourishes our personalities, thoughts, habits, health, actions, etc. These truths apply to both good and bad pathways. However, Truth 3 reminds us that the growth referred to in Truth 1 and the walk referred to in Truth 2 take time. Lots of time. So, ask yourself, “More so than strength, do I have the patience required to refrain from making bad decisions and to endure in making good ones?”
Truth 4: Humans cannot overcome bad decisions. Good decisions overcome bad decisions.
University College London—a multidisciplinary university that contributes greatly in the research and conversation surrounding today’s global issues—did a study on how long it takes to form a habit. In their study, they discuss the key factors in breaking or gaining a habit. On their website, they write, “To create a habit you need to repeat [a] behaviour in the same situation.… New habits do not stop the old habits from existing; they just have to become stronger influences on behavior.”
As I read this article and specifically the sentences quoted above, I envisioned this fourth truth: humans cannot overcome bad decisions. Good decisions overcome bad decisions. And using this understanding, I came up with these three steps to overcoming bad decision making and to making better decisions. You’ll notice that the four truths are woven into each step.
Step 1: Choose a situation in your life not yet overrun with bad decisions, and repeatedly make good decisions each time you enter that situation. No matter how small, no matter how seemingly insignificant, make good decisions. For example, if you have the opportunity to take the stairs, take them. Every time! If you’re thirsty, choose water instead of soda. Every time! When you wake up in the morning, read a few verses of the Bible to start your day. Every time! These are just examples, but remember, whatever you feed will grow. So, the important thing is not what you’re doing but instead what you’re feeding—positive decision making. One positive decision will lead to another which will inevitably lead to another!
Step 2: Accept that your negative decisions might not disappear immediately. Some of us have been walking a bad decision pathway for a long time. However, if our desires can become our weaknesses, then our interests can become our strengths. No matter how you look at it, growth takes time, and transitioning from a bad decision making pathway to a good decision making pathway requires patience. Even when you find yourself making bad decisions, focus on nurturing your good decisions more than you focus on the bad. Keep at it. Allow the two sides to coexist—for now.
Step 3: Allow your new decision pathway to slowly but surely overcome your old decision pathway. Again, your success will not be in your willpower but in your patience. You cannot overcome your bad decisions by yourself. So, endure in making good decisions until those good decisions become a greater influence on your behavior than your bad decisions.
All of that was for the adults reading this, because guess what? We struggle with making bad decisions too! Be encouraged. Be empowered. Things will get better. Now, how does this apply to the kids?
Are Kids Capable of Making Good Decisions?
I believe my story of David at the beginning of this blog shows that kids are most certainly capable of making good decision. However, the truth about the patience portion of decision making is even more true when concerning children. Why? Because many times, YOU will have to be the one that is patient with them. With David, it took seven months of school to get him to back down from a fight! Seven! But we did it. He and I together.
With all of that being said, when it comes to teaching good decision making to your kids. I wouldn’t try to necessarily teach all of what I just told you. Don’t get me wrong: They can learn it. But it will have to be one step at a time. For now, as you teach your kids about good decision making, teach them this: “Every decision has consequences.” This is the phrase I repeated over and over to my class and that eventually resonated deeper in David to the point that he chose to walk away.
Every decision has consequences. And consequences are not always bad. Consequences are simply the result of a decision, and if you make good decisions, you will receive good consequences. For example, if you make the decision to share your icecream with your little brother, you could receive the consequence of me giving you more icecream. However, if you make bad decisions, you will receive consequences that you will probably view as “bad.” For example, if you make the decision to take your brother’s icecream without asking, then you will receive the consequence of losing all of your icecream.
Then, secondly, it’s important to teach our children that though they might get away with something for a little while, eventually the truth will be discovered. And when that happens, the consequences will only be worse.
I wrote a children’s story to help your kids grasp this concept. The link to the book is just below this article. I pray it blesses your home and that you enjoy it!
I hope this approach to the conversation was helpful to you, and I pray that the contents of this post encourage you in your day-to-day living. Leave a comment adding to the conversation. I want to know what decision pathways you’ve found yourself traveling and what positive decisions helped you transition away from them. Then, of course, subscribe to my newsletter, read the story to your children, and allow them to draw scenes from the story and send them to my email!
Much love and thanks for reading,
Justis Ward
Cookies are yummy! But what would you do if your parents wouldn’t let you eat a cookie that you REALLY wanted?
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