Raising Self-aware Kids: 5 Mindsets that Will Hold Them Back
The average human worldwide—when ranking his or her personal life satisfaction on a scale of 0 to 10—reports a 5. A 5! In other words, the majority of humans that walk this earth desire a life that is doubly more satisfying, more fulfilling, or more desirable than what they currently have. That’s North Americans, Africans, Australians, and everyone in between. That means you, too!
Let’s test it. Here’s the question the Our World In Data analysts used to survey their global sample.
"Please imagine a ladder, with steps numbered from 0 at the bottom to 10 at the top. The top of the ladder represents the best possible life for you and the bottom of the ladder represents the worst possible life for you. On which step of the ladder would you say you personally feel you stand at this time?”
So what’d you say? How does your ranking compare to the rest of the world?
I love this survey question, because it captures the true essence of life. Our lives are in fact a ladder—whether you think about it socioeconomically, spiritually, professionally, or relationally. And we ourselves climb up and down that ladder with our choices. Don’t hear me incorrectly. Improving your life is not easy. Our ascensions and descents on the ladder of life come at special moments in life. Yes. However, when those moments come, it is a choice to take those opportunities or to not.
Let me ask you this: If the closed door that you’ve been hoping and praying would open actually opened, would you walk through? Be honest. If the next rung on your ladder of life satisfaction became accessible, would you take the step? The harsh reality is that most people would not. The reason being that the majority of people in this world are affected by one or more of five mindsets: fear, complacency, lack of strategy, hopelessness, and negligence. And these five mindsets quite effectively hold us back.
Fear
First on the list are the people who don’t walk through their open door because of fear. These people more than likely see the open door as a great risk. Jeffrey Moore—a writer for Everyday Power, a site dedicated to providing relevant, meaningful, and positive material to readers—does a solid job of honing in on why people don’t take risks. There are several, but Moore discusses his top two. He writes, “We cannot live our most fulfilling life if we do not take any risks” and continues on to say that people do not take risks for two reasons. One. We believe that we are not “good enough” to take the risk and succeed. And/or two. We believe that we will not be “loved in the same way or loved enough” after we take the risk.
Complacency
Second, close to the people who fear their open door are the people who are complacent where they are. These two mindsets are, of course, different in nature, but their end products are the same. Ultimately, a person doesn’t go through an open door due to his or her attachment to some external factor. Rather than moving forward, the fearful choose to stay connected to comfort, while the complacent choose to stay connected to convenience. Complacent people say, “I want what’s on the other side of the door.” However, the truth is that they don’t want it enough to give up what they have on this side. Convenience eats away at motivation.
Lack of strategy
Third, there’s the people who don’t walk through their open door because of their lack of strategy. They more than likely see the door as an unknown. Many times, these types of people aren’t necessarily worried about the risks. They just can’t wrap their minds around the mystery. They see the open door but either don’t know how to walk through or don’t know what to do once they’re on the other side. I reached out to Taylor VerBerkmoes—life coach and strategist at Truth & Taylor—for her opinion on this, and she responded with
“Often times, analysis about the door itself or the life on the other side of the door causes a paralysis of sorts. We can become consumed with understanding and planning for factors that when put in perspective are irrelevant to the actual journey. The truth is…we need to just get through the door, and commit to making whatever decision arises next that honors our values and serves our goals.”
Hopelessness
Then, there’s the fourth category of people: those who don’t walk through their open door because of their hopelessness. Of the five mindsets, hopelessness, is undoubtedly the toughest to unpack. Courtney Telloian and Emily Swaim at GoodTherapy—an online database for connecting with mental health professionals and accessing mental health resources—write extensively on the matter in their online PsychPedia. They write that hopelessness “compromise[s] an individual’s sense of well-being and stability” and “may also rob a person of the motivation required to utilize available resources or seek help.” Hopelessness is the most covert of the mindsets. And in America, it also one of the least talked about. To truly dive into the devastation that is hopelessness, I would need to write a blog focused solely on this one topic. For now, I will leave you with this. Those who feel hopeless more than likely see the door as inaccessible. Whether it is true or not, the hopeless do not approach the door due to their belief that doing so would end in disappointment or failure.
Negligence
Last but certainly not least, the fifth and final category of people: those affected by negligence. These types of people are the ones who see the rectangular 36” by 80” opening in the wall. However, due to either inattention or ignorance, they more than likely see only a hole in the wall. Maybe a window. Maybe a doggy door. But definitely not a passageway that should be used by humans. This mindset might be the most relatable yet the most unaddressed mindset, because the sad but real truth is that most people live their whole lives unaware of their ignorance, unaware of the opportunities passing them by! And that unawareness—that negligence—starts with their childhood upbringing.
Raising Self-aware Kids
With which scenario do you identify? None? One or two? All of them? I challenge you to tackle your mentality today, whether it is one of the five I mentioned or another that was brought to mind as you read. Then, as you reflect and consider these five mindsets, understand that your children are not yet equipped to deal with these mindsets by themselves. As parents and teachers, we must guide them through this self-reflection. Here’s how.
Fear (for kids)
Similar to what I said above, fear for a child is the result of feeling unloved. Nine times out of ten, an afraid child more than likely fears that that something will hurt or put him or her down in some way. So, as parents, you can best help your child counter this mindset of fear by teaching your child that YOU love them. Don’t believe me? Think about what your child does when he or she gets hurt—physically or mentally? They run to you. Why? Because when they are hurt or afraid of getting hurt more, they immediately seek love. And not just love—BIG love. They want to be in the arms of the person who they perceive to love them the most.
In other words, the counter to fear is love. Love your kids hard—so hard that it dampens hard falls and hard let downs.
Complacency (for kids)
Complacency comes from convenience, and for children, convenience is the result of privilege. Check out my blog “Your Kids Are Privileged…They Need to Know” to learn more about privilege and how to teach your kids about their privilege. Then, once you and your kids know about privilege, you can begin to teach them about complacency.
You see, kids come to this world with an innate curiosity. They put foreign objects in their mouths. They stare inquisitively at new faces, and they crawl around new spaces. Children come to this world with curiosity, which means somewhere along the way, they have to unlearn it. More than likely, that unlearning process comes when their curiosity causes them to get hurt. After so many times of hurt or disappointment, they begin to adopt complacency—wanting things just the same as they did before but no longer being willing to give up what they have to obtain it. “What they have” being safety, comfort, or any other privilege. So, in order to teach our kids a non-complacent mindset, we have to first teach them a non-possessive mindset. In kid terminology, we must teach them not to be picky.
Lack of Strategy (for kids)
Planning is not generally something kids think about, and it’s usually not something parents expect their kids to do. However, while we don’t expect our kids to plan or strategize, we can set a standard of reflection in our homes. In other words, while they are kids, don’t have them focus on analyzing the futures. Have them focus on their pasts. Teach them to learn from their mistakes. Teach them to reflect on their decisions and then ask them what alternate choices could they have made to get different outcomes.
Hopelessness (for kids)
One day while on a walk, my four-year-old niece wanted to show me how fast she was. She said “Watch,” and then she took off as fast as her little feet could go. I was impressed, and I told her just how impressed I was.
“Wow! You’re so fast! When did you get that fast?”
She smiled big and then shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m just really fast,” she said. “I can beat my brother and my momma and you.” (I found this quite interesting!)
Now, I’m all for praising and encouraging children, and I believe in boosting kids’ morales. However, on this particular day, I felt a lesson bubbling up inside of me. So, I asked my niece to race me. She happily agreed to my offer and took off running without a “Ready. Set. Go.” I let her run for a few seconds and then turned on my twenty-five-year-old speed. Not only did I pass her, I blasted by her!
Seeing my speed, she almost immediately stopped running and walked sadly back to her mom who was back behind us. My niece’s face said, “He’s too fast. I’ll never be that fast.” She was beyond disappointed. She was hopeless.
Seeing her reaction, I asked her to race again. She didn’t want to. “Come on,” I said. “One more time.”
She refused.
“Please,” I begged. “I want to see how fast you run this time. Did you know that when you lose a race, if you race again, you’ll be faster the next time?”
Her whole body perked up, her face was in total shock. And the rest is history. After a little more coaxing, I convinced her to race me again.
I let her win this time. Why? And she was on cloud nine for the rest of the day, telling everyone how she had lost a race but then got faster because she tried again.
Now, you might think my approach to that lesson wasn’t completely genuine, because I let her win the second time. But I disagree. And the reason is because the lesson I taught her was not in losing. The lesson was in feeling disappointment and overcoming it. In other words, the lesson wasn’t about the race. It was about her emotional experience.
Parents, let’s find the courage to allow our kids to experience disappointment. Then, let’s show them what joys lie on the other side of it!
(P.S. Even though I let my niece win, I SWEAR she ran faster that second time. No lie!)
Negligence (for kids)
For kids, negligence looks a lot like complacency with a slight difference. With a complacent mindset, your kid will not pursue an opportunity, because they do not see it as more valuable than what they already have. Whereas, with a negligent mindset, they will not pursue an opportunity, but because they don’t see it as having any value at all. Or in many cases, they don’t see the opportunity at all. So, teaching our kids to overcome negligence should look a lot like simply teaching them about the world and its workings. Tell them the truth when they ask things like “Mommy, are you okay?” Don’t tell them you’re fine when you’re not fine. Show them what emotion looks like and then let them see you work through it. That builds their emotional and social intelligence.
The Big Picture
Of these five mindsets, I believe complacency and negligence are the most difficult to grasp. So, I wrote a story that encapsulates them and bits of the other mindsets as well! As always, there are questions that follow. Take the time to gather your kid(s), to read the story, AND to ask the questions. Self-awareness starts with honest, transparent conversation. You’ll be surprised at what answer your children come up with! (The link to the book is after the article!)
Much love and thanks for reading,
Justis Ward
After Picky Peter’s town and house flood, he needs someone to rescue him! But he has a hard time getting rescued. He is just so picky!
Learn More @
https://ourworldindata.org/ : view more research and data concerning the world and its largest issues
https://everydaypower.com/ : read Jeffrey Moore and his team’s blogs on life, parenting, entrepreneurship, relationships, and more
https://www.truthandtaylor.com/ : read more of Taylor VerBerkmoes’ perspective and book a free strategy consultation
https://www.goodtherapy.org/ : explore the massive database of mental health resources and get connected to what you or a loved one needs
