How To Talk To Your Kids About Racism
Photo by Jojo Ward
I’ll never forget the day that I tried to explain racism to my third-grade students. We were in the middle of reading The Youngest Marcher: The Story of Audrey Faye Hendricks, a Young Civil Rights Activist by Cynthia Levinson. We came to a part in the story that described the Jim Crow laws and segregation. One of my students raised his hand, and after I called on him, he asked, “Why did black people have to go to different schools than white people?”
The first point that I want to make is this: parents, teachers, guardians, anyone with children, books are supposed to be conversational. If the educational books you read with your children do not cause them to ask tough questions, then you’re reading the wrong educational books. Don’t hear me wrong. Every book will not invoke deep thoughts and questions, but every book should invoke imagination. And when a book is labeled an educational book, your child’s imagination should be led to educating or enlightening questions, which hopefully you or the book can answer.
Then, my second point is this: Answering your children’s questions about racism can be extremely difficult.
You see, I could have told my students the basics. I could have told them the history of slavery, and civil rights, the 13th Amendment, and all the ways that those have impacted present-day society and culture. But would such an explanation really answer their question?
The question: “Mr. Ward, why did black people have to go to different schools than white people?”
Most people’s answer: “Back when your granddad was a kid, it was against the law for whites and blacks to go to school together.”
This kind of answer is true, but at the same time, it is not constructive. Think of it this way. If you went to the dentist and asked “Why does my tooth hurt?”, your dentist would not just say, “You have a cavity,” and stop the conversation. He or she would explain to you how cavities form and how you can prevent cavities with proper dental hygiene and maintenance. If you went to your mechanic and asked “Why is my engine running so loud?”, your mechanic would not just say, “Your oil is old.” No, he or she would explain the importance of changing your oil, and then, he would tell you to change your oil regularly so that your car can run smoothly. Dare I give another example? I must!
If you went to your doctor and asked “Why am I so tired during the day?”, your doctor might tell you that you have sleep apnea. But no good doctor would stop the conversation there! He or she would explain to you what sleep apnea is and then walk you through what steps you can take to counter it.
If we can understand these three examples of proper dental, car, and bodily health, then surely we can understand the importance of having deeper conversation with our children when they ask questions regarding society’s mental and social health.
Doing it the wrong way
Parents and teachers, when you’re talking about racism with your kids, do you talk about people’s beliefs or people’s actions? Be honest. Probably the second one, right? I don’t blame you! I thank you for at least tackling such conversations with your kids. More parents need to be doing the same. However, (to those same parents) I want to tell you that despite your good intentions, these kinds of explanations could be detrimental to your kids. Why? Because these kinds of explanations (while very true!) do not shed light on the foundational flaws of racism. Explanations like these point out the cavities in society, but they do nothing to correct or prevent them. That’s bad dentistry! These kinds of explanations do in fact illuminate racism, but to illuminate something without addressing it is simply spotlighting it.
Therefore, most of the time, as teachers and parents, instead of teaching our children about the issue of racism and the history of racism, we are actually teaching the culture of racism—a culture that they will eventually join themselves if we don’t do something differently.
I’m going to say this one more time just to be sure that everyone reading this understands. When talking to our kids/students, most of us are explaining acts/behaviors of racism to our children and then saying, “Racism is bad,” instead of explaining the foundation of racism and showing how it’s dangerous to society.
Parents, teachers, guardians, it’s time we begin teaching racism the right way, but before we can teach our children, we must learn ourselves.
Racism: The Adult Version
Contrary to popular belief, racism is not an action. It’s a mentality. A white person might call me a n*****, but that’s not racism. That’s an action that comes out of racism. A black person might claim that white people can’t jump as high as blacks. (That’s right, I’m coming for everybody today!) However, that’s not racism either. That’s an action that comes out of racism.
Wait, Justis. How is saying “White boys can’t jump” an act of racism? That doesn’t hurt anybody. Great point! I’ll let the Anti-Defamation League—an organization that seeks to stop the defamation of the Jewish people and to secure justice and fair treatment to all—answer your question. On their site, ADL, they write that “Racism is the belief that a particular race is superior or inferior to another and that a person’s social and moral traits are predetermined by his or her inborn biological characteristics.” Again: racism is a belief. And in other words, racism is the belief that a person’s racial features are valid indicators for what a person is and/or isn’t capable of (which makes them superior or inferior to others).
Examples from today’s culture.
Black people jump high and run fast (i.e. African features are an indicator of greater athleticism).
White people are rich (i.e. European features are an indicator of greater financial aptitude).
Asian people are smart (i.e. Asian features are an indicator of greater academic success).
Hispanic people are hard-workers (i.e. Hispanic features are an indicator of greater physical/mental fortitude).
Notice how all of these examples were technically compliments to their respective people groups. But guess what? They’re still racist remarks, because they assume specific characteristics of people solely on racially-classified features. And the reality is that until we begin targeting ALL racist belief systems—not just the bad ones—racism will continue to exist in our culture.
Now, let me give you the examples that you expected.
Black people are violent (i.e. African features are indicators of greater danger).
White people are untrustworthy (i.e. European features are indicators of greater deceit).
Asian people are stand-offish (i.e. Asian features are indicators of greater unfriendliness).
Hispanic people are crude (i.e. Hispanic features are indicators of greater indecency).
It’s important to note that you and I may have very well encountered people that fit these descriptions. However, it becomes racism when we attribute our experiences to the entirety of a racial group. I can tell you right now that I have interacted with an Asian man who was incredibly stand-offish, and I’ve encountered a white couple who were absolutely filthy rich. However, again, my very real and valid experiences become racism when I attach my experience to people I don’t know.
Racism: The Kid Version
Back to my classroom story. So, after I finished reading The Youngest Marcher: The Story of Audrey Faye Hendricks, a Young Civil Rights Activist and after I did my best at answering my students’ questions about segregation, racism, Jim Crow laws, etc., I sent my students back to their seats to get ready for our Math block of the day. I had done an okay job of explaining racism, but I wished I had done better. I couldn’t help thinking, “They need an example. They need something that will make racism more concrete.”
As I thought of how I could do this, I started passing out a worksheet for a fractions activity. But lost in my mind, I tripped over a bookbag—which should have been in the closet—and dropped all of the papers.
“Shoot,” I said, except I held out the “sh.” So, it was more like “Shhhhhhoot.”
All of my students’ eyes got big, and they covered their mouths, giggling in awe.
“What?” I asked, as I picked up the papers.
“We thought you was about to cuss,” said one of students, grinning from ear to ear. It was like they had just witnessed me do some petty crime.
I laughed at their reaction but then told them, “No, I don’t cuss.”
This is where things got interesting, because in less than two seconds, my class erupted into twenty-three students refusing to believe such a claim. Yes, you do! Stop lying, Mr. Ward. We know you cuss. I’ve heard you cuss before. You do cuss, Mr. Ward.
Overwhelmed by the number of voices and amazed at my class’s response, I simply repeated myself. “No, I don’t cuss.” (To the reader: I honestly don’t cuss. Sure, I’ve thought profanity before, but I’ve never cussed publicly. It’s just not my thing. And I most certainly haven’t cussed inside the school. So, the notion that they had heard me cuss before was absolutely false! But not to them.)
“Guys, guys, guys,” I said trying to bring down the noise level. “Hold on. Seriously, y’all quiet down. One at a time, please.”
The class quieted.
“Raise your hand if you’d like to answer,” I prefaced. “Why do you think I cuss even though I’m telling you I don’t?”
About five or six hands went up. I called on a sweet little girl who barely talks but always smiles. She said confidently, “All grown-ups cuss!”
Every single student in my classroom nodded their head in agreement. Yep. Sure do! Exactly! some of them said.
The weight of their reality came crashing down onto my shoulders. “All grown-ups cuss?” I repeated as a question, utterly lost for words.
“Yes,” they all confirmed.
My heart broke twice.
It broke the first time, because twenty-three of my students existed in a world where all adults cussed. And while that didn’t mean those adults were necessarily cursing at my students, this discovery was still heartbreaking. Then, my heart broke again when I realized that no matter what I said, no matter what level of vocabulary I displayed, no matter what I showed them, I would forever be a grown-up who used profanity. And that hurt me to my core.
From that day forward, I vowed to not use words that were even close to “swear words” (as my students call them). One of my missions for the remainder of the school year was to show my students the error in their thinking. My mission was to show them their ageism. Yes, I said ageism (i.e. prejudice or stereotyping based on a person’s age). And to keep the continuity of our definitions, ageism is the belief that a particular age is superior or inferior to another and that a person’s social and moral traits are predetermined by his or her current age.
In my students’ minds, being an adult equaled freedom to do as you please, which included using profanity. And if they indeed have ageist mentalities, then they probably believe that being an adult is a superior status to being a child.
PARENTS! TEACHERS! It’s no wonder kids say stuff like, “I can’t wait to grow up!” or “I wish I was an adult.” And if your children have ever said something like this, then your kids have the foundation for an ageist mindset. But why does this matter, Justis? We were talking about racism. It matters, because while you might be thinking, “They’ll grow out of it,” I’m here to tell you that they won’t! They’ll grow out of wanting to be older, but their mindset will remain. And that mindset is the reason some older siblings are rude or mean to their younger siblings! They see their younger siblings as inferior. AGEISM! Man, I hope you guys are getting this! But I digress.
The last thing that I’ll say about that is parents, if you can understand the detriment of ageism to the growth and health of your family, then you should be able to understand the detriment of racism to the growth and health of society.
How to talk to your kids about racism
Okay, Justis, I get it. Racism isn’t necessarily the act itself. It’s the belief that leads the action. But how do I talk about it with my kids? How do I prevent my kids from absorbing ideas that are quite common in our culture?
Great question.
Using my students’ remark about all adults cussing, I was able to show my students how they had lumped all adults into one category and refused to believe that any adult could be different. I explained to them how what they did to me was was exactly what white people did and still do to blacks. Mr. Ward, why did black people have to go to different schools than white people? My answer: “There was a time when black people weren’t able to read English well. So, white people believed that blacks weren’t as smart as whites and didn’t need to be in the same schools.” Now, of course, this explanation is only a drop in the bucket when considering all the history that took place before and during segregation. However, it’s a productive explanation and was/is a great way to start deeper conversations! What makes it good is that it addresses how the false belief came to be, instead of simply teaching the false belief.
And believe it or not, once I gave that explanation, my students got fired up! They starting saying stuff that showed not only their surface understanding but their deeper understanding.
Mr. Ward, they were being unfair, because they didn’t give the black people a chance to show that they could read.
Why didn’t they just give a black person a book and see if they could read it? I could’ve read it!
And my personal favorite: So, it’s like when you think you don’t like something but you really do?
It was this last remark from one of my students that inspired me to write a children’s story. I hope you bring your children together and read them this story to them. Then, once you’ve read the story, have a conversation with them. Ask questions and let them ask questions as well. If you don’t know what questions to ask, I put some after the story! (The link to the book is after the article!)
Of course, these illustrations are not professionally done. But I’m going to work with what I’ve got! I pray you do, too, because the story still rings true. Max didn’t like dogs. He understood that dogs were capable of being mean, dangerous, and scary. Max could have very well encountered a dog prior to the time frame of this story, and that dog might have done all the things that made Max afraid. As a result, at the start of the story, Max was close-minded and believed all dogs to be mean creatures. However, Max was open-minded enough to change his perspective when he encountered a dog that wasn’t those things.
Notice how these questions don’t mention racism. That’s not the point! If your kids are older, and you want to take the conversation there, go for it. But for younger kids, the point isn’t for them to know what racism is. The point is for them to know that it’s wrong to generalize groups of things or people based on your past experiences.
I hope you enjoyed this blog and the story! Leave a comment below. I would love to hear from you and your children. Also, a lot of my examples addressed the racism found in the United States which is typically between blacks and whites. However, please add to the conversation by shedding light and addressing other dynamics of racism as well.
Then, lastly, I would love if you allowed your children to draw scenes I Do Not Like Dogs, and if you email or message me those pictures, I will feature them on my website and Instagram.
Much love and thanks for reading,
Justis Ward
“Not all brown dogs look the same!” Unfortunately, an old gray dog is going to learn that lesson the hard way.
Learn More @
https://www.adl.org/racism : to read more about the history and the influence of racism
