Raising Little Leaders to Take Responsibility
Parents, teachers, especially those with soft hearts—and that’s not a bad thing!—let me start with this: if you’re not willing to put in the time to model and teach the 7 Habits to your kids, then you will only cause frustration and confusion in your class or family. You have to be all in, or it would be more beneficial to not do it all. However, if you are willing to not just teach but to also be taught—to be impacted—alongside your kids, then you’ve clicked on the right blog.
Over the next several weeks, we will be exploring together the ins and outs of the kid-friendly version of the 7 Habits of Effective Leaders (also known as the 7 Habits of Happy Kids under the Leader in Me education initiative.) As an educator I have seen firsthand the value of teaching these habits to kids. On the other hand, I have also seen the detriment of teaching these habits inconsistently or lazily. My desire today is to address both concerning the first habit: Be Proactive. Let’s dive in!
Be Proactive: the Adult Version
The LeaderinMe Free Parent Guide PDF (link at the bottom of the page) states that
Habit 1: Be proactive means to take responsibility for your choices and behaviors. Habit 1 is the key to all of the other habits; that’s why it comes first. Be Proactive says, “I am in charge of my own life. I am responsible for whether I am happy or sad. I can choose how I react to other people or situations. I am in the driver’s seat.” Young children can easily learn to understand that different choices yield different results. The goal is to teach them to think about those results before they decide what to do. Discussions can focus on taking care of themselves, taking care of their things, reacting or not reacting to others’ behavior, planning ahead, and thinking about what the right thing to do is.
Now, I know that’s a lot. So, let’s go step by step.
1. Being proactive is the opposite of being reactive.
Dictionary.com defines proactive as “serving to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, especially a negative or difficult one.” The same site defines reactive as “tending to act in response to an agent or influence.” Stephen Covey—an American educator, author of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, speaker, and businessman—takes this one step further by defining proactivity as “the capacity and the desire to subordinate impulses, moods, feelings, conditions, to values based on principles.” A reactive person, he says, “is a thermometer reading their surroundings and relaying that message to others. A proactive person is a thermostat. He or she sets the temperature for everyone near.”
2. Being proactive is choosing what the outcome looks like.
Covey then expands on that topic by using a story of Viktor Frankl—an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, and survivor of the Holocaust—who developed the idea of the Last Human Freedom. He defined this term as “The power to choose your response to any condition.” Frankl said that regardless of what happened to him, he would always have the power to choose his response. And that “the highest value [of freedom] is the power to choose your attitude in situations over which you have no control.” This is a powerful idea, but it becomes even more powerful when you learn that this notion came to him while Nazi scientists performed horrible sterilization experiments on him in concentration camps. His reality is heart-breaking, but it is also empowering. With that one simple philosophy, Frankl challenged the authority of his captors. The Nazis might have taken his liberty, but they could not take his freedom.
Covey connects this to his 7 Habits by saying that for all situations, there exist a stimulus (what has happened or what is happening to us) and a response to that stimulus. This relationship is shown in Figure A. For children and immature people, Covey says that there is no gap between stimulus and response. In other words, for those who lack self-awareness, every stimulus, every emotion, and every desire warrant a response that suits the stimulus. On the other hand, people who practice self-awareness grow a gap between the two (shown in Figure B), and it is in that space that humans develop the Last Human Freedom—the freedom to choose. And with the right choices, Covey says, eventually, the responses we choose will begin to influence the stimulus as opposed to the stimulus influencing our response.
3. Being proactive is the foundation of the other six habits.
It doesn’t matter if you’re learning to Begin with the End in Mind (Habit 2) or learning to Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood (Habit 5). If you and/or your child are not committed to building the foundation of taking responsibility for your choices and behaviors (Habit 1), you will not be able to effectively build onto it.
My last assertion is this: To be responsible is to be response-able. Are you able to respond to stimuli? Yes! Then, you are responsible. So, the question is no longer, “Are you mature or accountable for your actions?” but is instead, “Do you have control over your body and mind’s responses?” Changing the interpretation of responsibility changes everything! (This change is the same reason why it’s easier to say “I’m not responsible” than it is to say “I’m irresponsible.” They mean the same thing! But only the latter has a negative connotation.) Now, let’s change how we talk to our kids about their responsibilities.
Being Proactive: The Kid Version
It's a Monday morning in math class, and I pull out a big bag of Kroger brand Fruit Loops from behind my desk. The immediate silence that washes over the room makes me chuckle. Without saying a word, a take a paper towel, lay it on the desk of Deshawn (he’s having an excellent day today), and pour out a nice sized pile of the cereal in front of him.
“Ooh, I want some Fruit Loops, Mr. Ward,” says Rachel.
“Me too,” says Cory.
“Is everyone going to get some?” asks Tiff.
“Everyone is going to get some,” I say, walking to the next desk slower than necessary. I tear off another paper towel, place it on Rochelle’s desk, and her a pile of about the same size. My twenty-four students are now grinning from ear to ear. Some sit up straighter, some say “yes” under their breaths, but all of them have their eyes glued on me.
I go to the next desk. “But before you can eat these,” I announce to the class, “you have to finish a worksheet that I’m going to give you.”
The class erupts in dissatisfaction. Ughh. Nooo! Come on, Mr. Ward.
“Oh, you’d rather not have any at all?” I ask. “I’ll just put them up.” I turn in the direction of my desk but don’t take more than two steps before my students change their attitudes. Sorry, Mr. Ward! We’ll do it. Y’all, stop complaining!
“Oh, okay.” I smile. “Y’all sure?”
“Yes!” they all say together.
“Awesome.” I give one of my students the task of tearing off and placing paper towels on the remaining desks. I follow her path, leaving a pile of Fruit Loops on each of the paper towels.
“Everybody pick up one Fruit Loop,” I say. They all do so. “Now, eat it.” They devour the fruit-flavored rings. (I have found that giving my students a sample of whatever they are already thinking about helps them to not be tempted so easily.) “Okay, now that’s it. Trina, pass out the worksheets please. And to everyone else, once you’re done, raise your hand. I’ll check over your work, and then you can eat the rest. If you eat another Fruit Loop before I tell you to, I’m going to take them all, and you’ll have none. So, don’t make a bad choice.”
They nod and smile. I smile and shake my head. I love my kids, but I can already tell that someone is going to lose their Fruit Loops, today.
I explain the worksheet, model it on the board, and then monitor the classroom as the kids work quietly and vigorously. No one touches the cereal…except for Zailen.
No more than three minutes have passed when I notice his mouth moving slowly up and down. He’s doing his work, arguably faster than most of his classmates, but his mouth…
I shake my head, walk to his desk, and lean down close to him. “Zailen,” I ask, “did you eat another Fruit Loop?”
He shakes his head. His eyes are quite convincing, until they’re not.
“Are you lying to me?”
He shakes his head again.
“I don’t believe you, Zailen. I saw you chewing.”
He snitches—in typical third grade fashion—on himself and on his partner in crime, Richard. “Richard ate one first,” he says, “and then he told me to eat one.”
“Really now?” I ask looking over at the much sneakier Richard sitting beside him. Richard throws up his hands and opens his mouth—pretending to be innocent. Little does he know, in opening his mouth, he reveals the assortment of soggy, colored crumbs stuck to his tongue and teeth. “You ate some, too,” I say confidently. Richard closes his mouth and hangs his head. At this point, the rest of the class is watching.
I take Richard’s paper towel and Fruit Loops, and he sinks even further into his chair. “You ate your Fruit Loops without permission, and you told someone to do something you knew was wrong,” I say so the whole class can hear it. Then, I look at Zailen.
“Richard told you to eat one, huh?” I ask.
Zailen nods.
“But who has the remote control to your body?” I ask.
Zailen doesn’t answer. He knows the answer, but he also knows what will happen when he says it.
“Should Richard have the remote control to your body?”
Zailen shakes his head.
“Does he have it?”
“No, sir,” Zailen responds.
“So, who made you eat that Fruit Loop? You or Richard?”
“Me,” he says. He hangs his head, too, and starts crying.
I take Zailen’s Fruit Loops, stand up, and walk them to the trash. He cries harder when I drop the cereal and paper towels into the trash can. “Come talk to me when you guys are ready, okay?”
“Yessir,” says Richard. Zailen just nods, still crying, and I must admit my heart is heavy, too. This is my least favorite part of teaching, but I know it is also one of the most essential parts.
“You have seven minutes left on the worksheet,” I announce to the class. And the class goes back to working. No one else touches their Fruit Loops until they finish their work.
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Remember Figure A and Figure B from earlier in the article? Well, those apply excellently to this story. Remember that I said children have very little or no space between their Stimulus and their Response. Therefore, without being taught self-awareness, they possess very little capacity to choose a response that goes contrary to their stimulus, desire, or feelings. In the case of Richard and Zailen, one of two things happened:
They felt the desire (stimulus) to eat the Fruit Loop and then—not thinking of my expectation and without making a conscious choice (no Freedom to choose)—they responded to that desire by fulfilling it.
They felt the desire (stimulus) to eat the Fruit Loop and then—thinking of and knowing my expectation (Freedom to choose)—they made the conscious choice to fulfill the desire anyway.
The first scenario lacks self-awareness. The second scenario lacks self-discipline.
As I said earlier, there is no way to know for sure which of these two happened in the moment. Sometimes, children just blank out. Still, notice how I handled the situation. CONSEQUENCES. I took the Fruit Loops from the two boys (delivering consistently on what I said would happen), and then I corrected their decision making. I’ll say that last part one more time. I corrected their DECISION MAKING. Not their desire.
For Richard, I focused on his choice to eat more Fruit Loops and to be a bad influence on Zailen. For Zailen, I focused on his choice to eat more Fruit Loops and to not be in control of his own body. My goal in correction was for them to reflect on their own actions not someone else’s, and moreover, my goal was not to make them feel bad for wanting the Fruit Loops. Of course, they wanted the Fruit Loops! They’re kids!
(Quick detour: Parents and teachers, we have to stop punishing our kids for being kids. I’m not telling you to stop disciplining them for breaking rules. I’m telling you to stop disciplining them for their desires. What are you saying, Justis? I’m saying, your kids are going to want sweets, they’re going to ask questions you don’t like, they’re going to have feelings, why? Because they’re kids! So when you discipline/correct them make sure they know they’re being disciplined for their choices and not their desires/feelings. If they don’t know the difference, then they will associate their punishment with their desire. However, desires cannot be corrected by punishment. They are simply suppressed. So, what you will end up with is timid, secretive, and/or fearful children who hide their true selves from you to avoid being punished. That’s fact. Stop doing it. Detour over.)
So, with Zailen and Richard, my correction was to increase their self-awareness which will in the longer term give them more freedom to choose. My hope is that next time, they will hold their desires high but will simply hold the principle/expectation higher.
Here are some examples of statements that miss the mark on correcting children’s choices?
• “Why did you eat that Froot Loop when I told you not to?”
(They ate it, because they wanted it, duh! This emphasizes the want and not the choice.)
The Habit 1 way: “Do you remember when I told you not to eat anymore Fruit Loops?” Yes. “Did you do it anyway?” Yes. “So, now I have to take them, because your bad choice.”
• Didn’t I tell you to stop running in the house? *spanks child*
(This was almost a good instructional response. It emphasized the expectation not the desire, but the child never got the opportunity to respond. For all we know, the kid could’ve genuinely forgotten the expectation. You can still discipline your kid for breaking the rules, but always be sure that they know why they are being punished. Or else, you’re just beating them.)
The Habit 1 way: “Didn’t I tell you to stop running in the house?” Child doesn’t respond. “What did I tell you about running in the house?” You said not to run inside. “And were you running?” Yes, ma’am. “Since you ran inside the house anyway, I’m going to spank you.”
• “What made you think jumping from the roof to the pool was a good idea? I don’t know. Everybody was doing it. Who cares if everyone else was doing? If everyone was jumping off of a bridge would you do that?”
(Maybe it’s just a 90’s parenting thing, but this phrase and phrases like it were adults’ favorite saying when I was growing up. And quite frankly, it’s terrible! Here’s why. Not only does it address the desire instead of the choice, it furthermore addresses a desire that your child does not even have! It might not seem like it, but it would be no different than if you said to your child, “Oh, so everyone was stealing icecream from the cafeteria? If everyone was stealing earwax, would you do that?” Come on, now, Mom! Of course, your kid is going to say no! The two experiences aren’t comparable! Your kid wanted that icecream; that’s why he stole it! He doesn’t want earwax, so he isn’t likely to steal it. The same goes for jumping off a bridge. Jumping to your death isn’t fun. But to many kids, the adrenaline rush of jumping from the roof of a house to a pool below is fun and thrilling. For parents, the two are the same, because they could both lead to serious injury or death. For kids, however, they’re 100% focused on the fun and their desire to have fun.)
The Habit 1 way: “I don’t care if everyone was doing it. You’re not everyone. You’re you. And even though you thought it looked like fun, you have the power to stop, think about the consequences, and choose differently than everyone else.”
The Big Picture
Kids are not going to get this concept perfectly, and the truth is that you won’t teach it perfectly either. It’s a process. But if you’re willing take on this process of learning this habit and the other six, I can promise that your kids will be all the better for it—both as individuals and as leaders.
In the end, I just want to reiterate the importance of emphasizing with your children their choices and not their desires/feelings. Habit 1—Be Proactive—is all about teaching children self-awareness. Here are some Proactive-minded responses to Reactive statements which your children might say.
(I bolded the Reactive phrases your kids might say, put a forward slash, and then left normal the Responses that emphasize proactive thinking
They made me do it. / No, you have the remote control to your body. What was something else you could have done in that situation.
I did it because I was angry/sad/etc. / So, were you in control of your body, or was anger/sadness/etc. in control of your body?
I just really wanted to. / There are going to be many things in life that you want to do, but that doesn’t mean you should do them. Some things that you’ll want to do won’t be good for you.
But it’s boring. / Being mature means sometimes doing things that are not fun so that you can become stronger or smarter.
I’m just having a bad day. / That’s a choice. If you want to, you can choose to have a good day starting right now. What can you do to have a good day?
Proactive phrases to teach your kids:
I control my choices and my attitude.
I decide what my body does and what my mouth says.
Everything I do has consequences. My choices determine what consequences I get (good or bad).
I made a bad decision. I could have [insert a different decision], and then, I wouldn’t have gotten in trouble.
Lastly, I’ve written a story for you to read with your children to help you and them understand the idea more. Following the story, there are questions you can ask your child to help them understand the importance of being responsible for their choices and behaviors. (The link to the book is after the article!)
Christian parents, it goes without saying that this Habit will be priceless in your children’s spiritual walks. Imagine mixing Habit 1 with the Gospel of the Kingdom. Imagine your kids having the self-awareness to acknowledge their strong desires and also having the strength to choose their love for God over those desires. Satan’s going to be livid!
Much love and thanks for reading,
Justis Ward
Sometimes, our brothers and sisters convince us to do things we should not do, but sometimes, we convince ourselves!
Learn More @
https://www.leaderinme.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Parents-Guide-English.pdf : to read the Free PDF LeaderinMe Parent Guide and to find activities both for your young kids and teenagers
https://www.leaderinme.org/ : to discover more about the 7 Habits and the Leader in Me
https://youtu.be/xaTmv67WpRM : to watch a seminar on Habit 1 from Stephen Covey himself
