Raising Little Leaders to Discover Their Purpose
Purpose: a word that many people recognize, and yet it is also a word that few people understand. In the last few years, the idea of living “on purpose” has permeated our culture, and although I love the idea, I’ve become concerned about the number of people who are actively living on purposes over which they have no control. Justis, what do you mean?
Well, in my last blog “Raising Little Leaders to Take Responsibility,” we discussed Habit 1 of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. (Click here to read it.) We learned that Habit 1, Be Proactive, states that we are in charge of our lives, and with that ownership, we have the freedom to choose how we respond to any situation in life. So, understanding that, we must ask ourselves, “With the freedom to choose what I do in my life, what do I desire to do?”
It is that question that embodies Habit 2, Begin with the End in Mind. Habit 2 is all about deciding what to do with our life ownership. As I stated in my last blog, Habit 1 is saying, “I have the remote control to my life.” Now, Habit 2 is saying, “How do I desire to use the remote?”
You see, Habit 2 is all about discovering your purpose, or as Stephen Covey—the creator of the 7 Habits—says, with Habit 2, we determine what we want the center of your lives to be. And that’s precisely where my concern lies. How many people do you think live on or by purposes that they haven’t selected for themselves? And moreover, how many people do you think live on or by purposes that don’t actually get them the results they desires to see? Are you one of those people? You don’t have to be, and neither do your children.
Let’s learn together the benefits of Habit 2, Begin with the End in Mind. Let’s learn how to discover our purpose.
Begin with the End in Mind: The Adult Version
The LeaderinMe Free Parent Guide PDF (link at the bottom of the page) states that
Begin with the End in Mind means to think about how you would like something to turn out before you get started. Reading a recipe before cooking or looking at a map before leaving on a trip is beginning with the end in mind. For young children, a good example is that of a jigsaw puzzle. Before doing a puzzle, they look at the cover of the box. They start with the end in mind.
If I gave you a puzzle to assemble, regardless of whether it was a nine-piece puzzle or a 1000-piece puzzle, the truth holds that the first thing you will do is look at the picture on the box. The same is true in life. No matter how great or small a situation, leaders and people who are the best at what they do begin every task and process by first thinking about what end they desire. Let’s see that applied in the real world:
An architect first imagines a house by drawing a blueprint. Then, he or she actually builds that house.
A writer first imagines a story by brainstorming and outlining it. Then, he or she actually writes that story.
An animation artist first imagines a character or scene by first sketching it. Then, he or she actually draws that character or scene.
Stephen Covey says, “There must first be an intellectual creation (imagination) that is followed by a physical creation (actualization).” However, I want to again emphasize the importance of Habit 1 (taking ownership of your life). I believe that taking ownership of one’s life is what allows him or her to imagine and actualize it, because if you don’t know who you are, then how can you know what you’re supposed to do?
In the case of the architect, writer, and animation artist, they must first believe, “I am a creator” (Habit 1), and once they have acknowledged themselves and the type of creator they are, then they must decide, “What am I going to create?” (Habit 2). You cannot do step two without step one! How could you? And yet, every day, too many of us are living on purpose without even knowing who we are and who we want to be. That is not purpose. That is performance!
Imagine if an architect approached a construction task believing he was an animator. With his drawing skills, he might render a great illustration, but would the work be up to standard? More than likely not. And worst of all, would his life’s work be satisfying? Absolutely not. He was meant to designs buildings! His soul yearns to design houses and skyscrapers. And yet, before him, there are sketches but not a single blueprint.
I’m clearly passionate about this subject, but that passion is rooted in a desire to see others pursue their dreams and to be the people they want to be. It is ideal for this process to start in childhood, but for the adults reading this—who desire to redesign their lives, too—let’s keep learning.
Discover Your Purpose
What is important to you? No, really. Ask yourself, “What is important to me?”
Is that too broad of a question? Well, then, let me give you some options:
a. Your Family
b. Your Work
c. Your Money/Possessions
d. Your Enemy
e. Your Spouse
Pick one—and only one—from this list. What did you pick? Family? Work? Be honest, because according to Stephen Covey, that thing which is most important to you becomes the purpose at the center of your life. And he says that whatever purpose is at the center of your life becomes the lens through which you see the world.
For those who choose “family”: How do you view your work? You probably waver between seeing work as something that you do to support your family and something that takes time away from your family. I can only imagine the confusion and frustration of having the same entity which motivates you also opposing you.
For those who choose “spouse”: How do you view your family? Well, you probably struggle in instances in which your family—your kids, parents, or whoever—seem to be in opposition to your spouse. But you can’t just neglect your kids to tend to your spouse.
For those who choose “enemy”: This one might be confusing at first, but don’t be fooled. There are most certainly people who live their lives struggling to trust others or seeking revenge. Of course, this is a dangerous life, but it is real. How would this lens affect how you view your money, possessions, family, everything? They all become objects to be guarded, protected, and hidden rather than objects to be enjoyed and loved. Is that a healthy way to live? No.
Justis, it seems there’s no good choice for a life center. Should we just not have one?
Absolutely not. You should have a life center, because again, it functions as the lens through which you see the world. It functions as your purpose. However, the thing that gives you purpose should not be physical or positional. It shouldn’t be something that is to be obtained or guarded. Your purpose should be something in which you believe! So, when attempting to discover your purpose, there is not a physical seeking that needs to take place. Instead, there should be an inward reflection that should lead to the discovery of “principles.”
Oxford Dictionaries defines principle as “a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning.” Stephen Covey states that it is only by making principles the center of your life that one can have a purpose that is changeless, has a constant frame of reference, and unleashes a person’s maximum power and influence for good.
Now, let’s again look at family as a purpose for one’s life. However, instead of using simply saying “family,” let’s use a principle that includes family. For example, “I will work so that my family wants for nothing.” Do you see how this principle immediately sets parameters for purpose and directs desire? Others might not agree with this principle. Your family might even dislike it, but at the end of the day, they would at least know why you work all day and night: to provide for them. Having a principled purpose does not mean that people’s feeling won’t be hurt, but it does mean that everyone has clarity. And I believe having clarity when concerning your life and others’ is priceless.
Personal Mission Statement
Stephen Covey refers to this principled life center as having a “personal mission statement.” He states that everyone should have one and that the statement should answer two questions: “What am I about?” and “By what principles do I operate?” So, what do you think? Could you write a personal mission statement?
Well, I’m no expert on mission statements, but I can help with writing principle statements. Let me give you some examples of ineffective and effective life center principles as well as some explanations regarding them. The principles are italicized. Try to decide whether it’s effective or not before you read the explanation. And if you disagree with me on one, let me know in the comments.
“I want to be there for my kids.”
This is ineffective, because it is vague. A life center principle that leaves you asking “What does that look like?” is a weak one. Remember, we’re looking for added clarity not additional confusion.
“I want to make $100,000 by next July.”
This is a great goal, and it is a form of discovering purpose (which we’ll cover more at the end of the blog). However, this statement is not a principle, because principles don’t have end dates. Stephen Covey says that when creating a principle by which to live, write it as if it will never change. That doesn’t mean it can’t change. Just write it as if it won’t.
“Killing people is bad.”
This is closer. However, it is ineffective due to its subjectivity. This principle does not move one to a specific action, and depending on the situation, it still leaves a lot of room for confusion or various behaviors. For instance, if you lived by this principle, it is likely that you would condemn people who have killed. However, it could also be possible—in a certain situation—that you would acknowledge the bad-ness of killing and still choose to do so to someone. Do you see what I mean? Moral labeling is not the same as creating principles. (Let’s look at a better version of this one.)
“I will not kill another human.”
Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Notice how the emphasis is put on oneself. Notice how there is no claim to decency or indecency. It’s just a principle. Regardless of whether you believe killing is good or bad, you’ve said you’re not going to do it. Even if someone is trying to take your life, you’ve said, “I will not kill another human.” And that’s that. It’s a principle. (But I’m not done yet. I believe we can take this principle up one more level.)
“I will seek to help every human I encounter.”
This statement has no moral factor. It is written to be never-ending, and the responsibility to fulfill it lies in the hands of who says it. Perfect! It’s a principle! And what elevates this principle above the last one is its motivation factor. In other words, it acts as a motivator to action as opposed to the last one which is a restraint from action. If someone were trying to hurt me, by having the restraining principle, “I will not kill another human,” I would find myself in a corner physically and emotionally. I would be actively attempting to not do something. That’s the equivalent of someone putting a venomous spider in your hand and saying, “Don’t throw it.” What would you do? Some people would throw it anyway! But for those of us who are “rule followers,” our minds would go into overdrive, attempting to reconcile not throwing the spider and getting the spider off of us. And it would be the same in a life-or-death moment with another human. We would be stuck trying to reconcile a self-imposed rule to not harm and our desire to save ourselves. You wouldn’t know what to do, because you wouldn’t have a motivating principle at heart.
That’s why the principle, “I will seek to help every human I encounter,” is so much better. It gives you complete control. In a life-or-death moment, you’re not restricted, because you know exactly what you’re going to do: seek to help that other person. Even if they’re trying to hurt you.
Now, you (the person reading this blog) might not agree with the motivating principle of seeking to help every person you encounter, but that wasn’t the point. The point was to show you what a good motivating principle looks like, and hopefully, I have done so. Now, the question remains: “How will you teach this to your children?”
Begin with the End in Mind: The Kid Version
If you have teenagers, then you’re in luck! Most teens and even pre-teens have a solid reference of time. So, talking to them about what they want to do and who they want to be years from now should not be difficult. For younger kids, it’s a little more difficult. Still, regardless of your children’s ages, before you begin teaching them everything we discussed above (e.g. discovering your life center/purpose, creating principles, etc.), I believe it’s important to teach our kids commitment. Why? Because no matter how great a principle is, if a person doesn’t have the discipline to commit to it, then it simply becomes a suggestion—not a principle.
Because of that, for your kids, the way you should teach “Begin with the End in Mind” is goal setting. Remember, we said that a principle has no end date, but committing to something that has no end can be difficult for kids and teens alike. So, to begin teaching them about committing to principles, we must first teach them to commit to goals.
I encourage you to get a pen and paper and ask your teenagers these questions:
What are your unique gifts? (If they can’t think of any, now is the perfect time to affirm them and let them know what gifts and talents you see in them.)
What are some things that are important to you right now in life?
What do you think will be important to you as an adult? What do you want to do or be when you become an adult? (Their answers will probably be different from Question 2. That’s okay. The point isn’t to make them see the difference yet. It’s to help them see the end goal. Why? Because Question 4.)
Set some goals. Maybe one for the week, one for the month, and one for the year. (Make sure the goal has a specific deadline, and make sure that it is measurable in some capacity. Examples: I will make all A’s on my report card this semester; I will make 500 jump shots by this Friday; I will make my bed every morning; I will exercise for thirty minutes every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
What are some things that you can start doing now that will help you achieve those goals?
After you’ve discussed and noted your kids answers, as their parents, HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE, and if you really want your family to grow, then write down your goals so they can also hold you accountable. Show them what committing to a goal looks like. Show them what achievement looks like. Really! Take some time—while it’s fresh on your mind—to write/type three life goals with your kids. Then, on your own, write an additional three life principles that you want to live by. Those will act as your life center/purpose. And share those with your kids, too. You could do many more than three, but three is a good start. What you’ll find is your kids watch you more than you know, and we can’t just expect our kids to commit if they’ve never seen what commitment looks like. Divorce. Suicide. Breaking diets. These are all things that your children has more than likely experienced or seen in this world. It’s up to us to show them another way.
Lucky for you, I’ve written a children’s book that can function as the start of that conversation. Don’t forget to read the questions after. (The link to the book after the article!)
Much love and thanks for reading,
Justis Ward
Christians parents, as you talk to your kids about purpose and setting goals, make sure to include Jesus Christ’s teachings: making disciples of men; loving God and loving our neighbor; caring for the elderly, homeless, widows, hungry, “the least of these,” etc. If we don’t do these, then every other goal and principle is in vain. Then, also check out Isaiah 46:10 in which the Lord tells the prophet Isaiah, “I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say, ‘My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.’” There is too much hopelessness in this world, and it leads to depression, suicide, anxiety, and despair. We can always know that we have a purpose in this world by remembering that God has purpose for us—even if we can’t see it.
Seven seeds. Seven personalities. Which one will grow up to be who he is meant to be?
Learn More @
https://www.leaderinme.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Parents-Guide-English.pdf : to read the Free PDF LeaderinMe Parent Guide and to find activities both for your young kids and teenagers on the 7 Habits
https://www.goodtherapy.org/ : explore the massive database of mental health resources and get connected to what you or a loved one needs
https://www.leaderinme.org/ : to discover more about the 7 Habits and the Leader in Me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od5-Pm1FC1o : to watch a seminar on Habit 2 from Stephen Covey himself
