Raising Little Leaders to Prioritize Their Desires
We all have desires. Some of us want to go to law school. Some of us want to be entrepreneurs. On the flip side, some people desire to do drugs. Some people desire to cause an uproar in public. No matter how strange or uncivilized our desires are, they are still in fact our desires. And no matter how crazy or practical our desires are, the reality is that our success or failures do not hinge upon our desires. No, our success and failure depends on how we prioritize our desires!
Not many people think this way, and that is why the topic of today’s blog is “prioritizing our desires. And we’ll be discussing it in conjunction with Stephen Covey and his 7 Habits of Highly Effective Leaders—specifically Habit 3, Put First Things First.
(If you’re new to the 7 Habits, click here to read my blog on Habit 1 and Taking Responsibility. Or click here to read my blog on Habit 2 and Discovering Your Purpose.)
Put First Things First: The Adult Version
Stephen Covey said in a 7 Habits seminar that Habit 1 asserts that “We are the programmers of our lives.” Habit 2 then tells us to “write the program.” And now Habit 3 tells us to “run that program.” Analogous to Covey’s example, I’ve said in my past blogs that Habit 1 answers the question, “Who holds the remote control to my body and emotions?” (Hopefully, your answer is “me”). Then, Habit 2 answers the question, “How do I want to use that remote?” (And your answer should be based on principles, not feelings, words, or phrases). And now, Habit 3 will answer the question, “What will I do with my remote first?” Will you ride your bike? Will you do your homework? The possibilities are endless, but a person’s capacity to act is not. So, in order to determine what we desire to do in set amount of time, we must first prioritize our desires.
Now, in past conversations, I’ve noticed that whenever I bring up “prioritization” in relation to scheduling and daily choices, the conversation almost always ends up being about “time management.” But the prioritizing desires and time management are not the same!
Why Time Management Doesn’t Work
You see, time management (in the traditional sense) is all about watching the clock, doing things faster, being more productive, and being in control of every aspect of your life—even parts that don’t include you. This approach works okay for people who live their lives in complete isolation, but for the average human, time management will inevitably fail because of one word: relationships.
For example, I have a schedule that I do my best to keep. 10:00 pm, lights out. Why? Because I have the most creative energy in the early morning when the sky is still dark and when my distractions are fewer. Nevertheless, last week, my beautiful wife, Jordan, became flustered and needed to talk something out. Normally, this isn’t a problem. I cherish being her sounding board and would be hurt if she felt that she couldn’t talk to me in these types of moments. But on this particular night, her “sounding” started at 9:58 pm.
Please understand that my wife is a woman of few words. Generally, she will say a sentence here or there and then go back to observing and thinking. But when she becomes flustered by the shenanigans of the world, two sentences just won’t be enough time for her to speak her mind.
My schedule said, “Go to bed at 10:00.” Jordan wanted to talk to me at 9:58. So, what did I do? I listened to every word of her spiel. Then, when she was finished, I asked her some questions to which she offered more of her thoughts. What time do you think I went to bed?
11:27 pm.
According to my schedule, I failed. However, according to my priorities, I won. Why? Because I prioritize my desire to listen to my wife over my desire to go to bed on time.
Do you see the difference? When we manage time, we think more about time and less about relationships. But when we prioritize our desires, we think less about time and more about relationships. And in the words of Stephen covey, we put first things first!
Right this very second, there are hundreds of millions of people—who are attempting to weigh time against time. Which is more important? The forty minutes it takes to sit down for dinner with your family or the twenty minutes it takes to finish up a work assignment? Time management tells us to make the decision weighing the “forty minutes” against “fifteen minutes.” Habit 3, Put First Things First tells us to make the decision weighing “dinner with family” against “finishing work.”
The difference between the two is huge, but few people will see it due to how conditioned we are to only see time and schedules. Think about it. We rush through meals. We skip breakfast entirely. We barely get enough sleep, and we even get annoyed by slow gas pumps. Why are we like this?
We’re like this, because we live in a society that determines the quality of a person’s day based on how much he or she gets done. You’ve heard the saying, “Time is money.” Well, if that holds true in the minds of people, then it’s safe to say that the majority of humanity consists of “penny pinchers”—trying to use as few minutes as possible in one place so that those minutes can be used somewhere else (usually places we deem as more important). Our culture seeks efficiency, i.e. “the state of maximum output with minimum wasted effort or expenses.” However, I plan to demolish that mindset today, because Habit 3 seeks effectiveness, i.e. the state of achieving a specified desire or result.”
Again I say, our focus should not be on how much time something will take but instead what desires we wish to fulfill. Once you make that mindset switch, you’re ready to start prioritizing them. Not all desires are equal!
Urgent vs. Important
When determining which desires to prioritize over others, Stephen Covey says that we must first understand the difference between important desires and urgent desires. Covey states, “Importance comes from within you. It’s based on your value systems. On the other hand, urgency comes from the environment. It’s based on culture or others’ values.”
Figure 1: Adapted from Stephen Covey’s Time Matrix
The picture to the right shows a diagram which I adapted from Stephen Covey’s The Time Matrix, and it illustrates the relationship between urgency and importance and how they influence our lives. The following information about this diagram comes directly from a talk Covey gave on Habit 3.
As you can see, Quadrant 1 (orange) is the quadrant of life that is both important and urgent. As a result, the things that fall in this quadrant are personally valuable and externally pressing. Examples of this dynamic are when you have a test coming up soon, when a loved one or friend gets hurt, or when you’re running late. During these moments, everything else in life gets put on hold, and it becomes a necessity to complete or tend to these specific items. This quadrant is essential. It holds items that need to be prioritized immediately! However, it is not healthy to stay in this quadrant long. Imagine the burden of thinking everything you do is a necessity to your life. People who do this have tendency to call their actions and mindset “grinding.” And while there is a healthy amount of grinding that can be done, without a significant break, people “on their grind” will unavoidably become physically and mentally fatigued.
Quadrant 2 (green) holds activities and items that have personal value but have no external pressure to complete. Planning, exercising, resting, taking time for family, etc. are all examples of activities which most people see as important. However, those people are less likely to complete them do to the lack of external pressure. Consciously, they might say, “Exercise and family time are important to me,” but their lifestyles do not always reflect these beliefs. Stephen Covey asserts that all seven of the 7 Habits exist in Quadrant 2. Therefore, we can assume that most people will see the value of the 7 Habits but will delay applying them to their lives. This quadrant can be considered the quadrant of effectiveness, because a person’s best life is achieved when they are able to effectively complete tasks that are important but not urgent.
Quadrant 3 (purple) serves as the reverse of Quadrant 2. It holds activities and items that have no personal value but have a lot of external pressure. Things like texting, checking emails, clearing social media notifications, and peer pressure of all kinds are examples of Quadrant 3 activities. It is in this quadrant that we find distractions—activities that we do, not for our benefit but for the relief of social and environmental pressures.
Then finally, Quadrant 4 (red) holds the activities and items that have no personal importance or environmental relevance. It goes without saying that doing these types of things is a waste of your time. Nothing more and nothing less. Quadrant 4 is a waste.
Crazy enough though, most of us live our lives in Quadrants 3 and 4—either being distracted by life or wasting time. Quadrant 3 and 4 activities do not serve our goals or values. Then, when big problems arise or when we become super motivated to do something, we switch over to Quadrant 1—where we “grind” and inevitably become burnt out, sliding back down to Quadrants 3 and 4.
When it’s written out in front of you, isn’t this lifestyle sad? It was for me. But what if we decided right now to change all of that? What if we decided to stop trying to be efficient or productive and started trying be effective—doing the things that are important to us? Is it possible?
Prioritizing Desires
Well, think of your day as a jar. You’ve only got so much space in a jar (i.e., so many hours in a day). If you get caught up doing Quadrant 3 and 4 things, you will fill your jar up with distractions and wasteful activities. Then, when you get around to the significant stuff (Quadrants 1 and 2), you don’t have enough space in your jar for them to fit. On the contrary, when you do the important stuff first, the Quadrant 1 and 2 things, you are able to fit all of those necessities and effective activities and then fill up the gaps in your day with Quadrant 3 and 4 activities. Of course, you might not have room for some of those minor things, but it goes without say that leaving out distractions and wasteful activities is better than leaving out necessities and effective activities.
So, grown-ups, when you make your schedule for the week, stop emphasizing all the things you need to do. Instead, first address the Quadrant 1 matters in your life. Then, move on and address the Quadrant 2 and so on! You’ll find that you have more energy and motivation to work from day to day. Now, let’s jump into the kid-version of this blog!
Put First Things First: The Kid Version
What is one of the biggest struggles related to prioritizing desires that shows up in a person’s childhood? Peer Pressure! No matter what age your child is and no matter who they are around, peer pressure will always be present. Why? Because humans will always have different life-leading principles (Habit 2). Therefore, we will always prioritize our desires differently (Habit 3). But that doesn’t mean that we should let others control us (Habit 1).
Figure 2. Gabe’s Time Matrix
Figure 3. Tim’s Time Matrix
For example, Gabe and Tim notice that their teacher keeps her money on her desk. Gabe desires to have more money, and he has thought about stealing his teacher’s money before. However, that thought is neither urgent or important to him—i.e. it is a waste of time. Moreover, it is important to him that he earn his money legitimately. Gabe’s Time Matrix looks like Figure 2 on the left. On the other hand, Tim also desires more money, but earning it legitimately is not urgent or important to him. Moreover, when he sees his teacher’s money on her desk, he believes the moment to be an urgent and important matter. Tim’s Time Matrix looks like Figure 3 on the right.
Based on their priorities, Tim would probably steal his teacher’s money with or without Gabe, because his desire to take his teacher’s money is prioritized higher than his desire to earn money legitimately. Opposite of Tim is Gabe who would most likely never steal his teacher’s money on despite having the desire, because the desire to earn money legitimately is prioritized over his desire to steal it. Peer pressure comes into play when Tim—through conversation and possibly manipulation—is able to convince Gabe to rethink the urgency and importance of stealing his teacher’s money until it is prioritized over his desire to earn money legitimately.
Also, it is important to note that in the event Gabe joined Tim in stealing the money, it is incorrect to say that Tim made him do it. “Influenced",” yes! But made? Not at all. Gabe would have acted out of his own desire for money and by his own prioritization of his desires. However, it would be Tim’s persuasion that caused Gabe to prioritize his desires the way he did.
Remember, we have the remote control to our bodies! We just have to know for what we desire to use our bodies.
As parents, we know from experience that some desires lead to better results than others, and ultimately, you get to decide whether that means you should have the final say over your kids’ desires. I can’t say what is best for your home, because every home and child is different. What I can say, though, is that instead of trying to get kids to perfectly understand their desires and decisions, grownups should instead emphasize that, sometimes, the things that they want the most might not the best thing for them.
This concept will probably be a big one for them to wrap their minds around, but I’ve written a story to help you teach it. I pray you enjoy it, and as always, don’t forget to discuss the questions that follow.
Much love and thanks for reading,
Justis Ward
Christian parents, desire is one of the biggest ideas in our faith. Our understanding of scripture goes to the next level when we fully understand “desire.” David’s desire for Bathsheba after seeing her on the roof wasn’t his problem. It was his lustful actions as a result of prioritizing his desire to know Bathsheba better over his wanting to do God’s will. Likewise, Judas Iscariot’s desire for money wasn’t his problem. It was his money-hungry actions as a result of prioritizing his love for money over his love for Christ, his Rabbi. It’s all throughout the Bible: in the story Adam and Eve, in the story Esau and Jacob, in the story Joseph and his eleven brothers, in the story of Daniel and the lions den, and even in the story Jesus tempted in the wilderness! Take a look for yourself, and when you do, don’t focus on the actions. Focus on the desires!
Have you ever really wanted something that your parents said you couldn’t have…”yet?” Were you able to be patient?
Learn More @
https://www.leaderinme.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Parents-Guide-English.pdf : to read the Free PDF LeaderinMe Parent Guide and to find activities both for your young kids and teenagers on the 7 Habits
https://www.leaderinme.org/ : to discover more about the 7 Habits and the Leader in Me
https://youtu.be/XVI1YZdma08 : to watch a seminar on Habit 3 from Stephen Covey himself
